Interview: Do We Need a Book Club in the Castro?

I can’t believe it’s been almost two years since I was first approached by Magnet to help moderate their monthly book club. In that time, we’ve read fantastic fiction and non-fiction spanning generations, from queer classics by Gore Vidal and Andrew Holleran to contemporary favorites by John Waters and Patti Smith.

I’m incredibly grateful to Magnet — a men’s health center in the Castro — for aiming beyond their conventional role, picking up where A Different Light left off and being supportive of creating a literary community in the neighborhood. Huge thanks are also in order to the SF AIDS Foundation, the Huffington Post, the SF Bay Guardian, Queerty, Lambda Literary, LitSeen, Accidental Bear and Dorothy’s Closet for all their support.

In 2012 we decided to raise the bar by reaching out to local queer authors and inviting them to participate. These photos were taken by Alex Bernardin at our our first meeting with the author of We the Animals, Justin Torres, whom I interviewed beforehand for SFBG.com. In February, we will welcome Kemble Scott, author of SoMa. And in March, we’ll host K.M. Soehnlein, author of The World of Normal Boys.

The Castro Courier featured our book club on the front page of their February issue. Here is the complete, unedited interview I did with writer Lisa Gunther:

What inspired you to start a book club?
The Castro – so that it doesn’t turn into a neighborhood of crowded bars, tacky 2-4-1 sunglass stores and over-priced soup shops.

Why do you think the Magnet is a good venue for a book club?
Because Magnet has done a great job of making a community centered around the arts and self-improvement. If there were a similar community space for every bar in the Castro that hasn’t passed a sanitary inspection, imagine the culture we could create.

Was it a challenge to get together? How did you reach out to the authors?
Getting together was not a challenge. Every person I talked to was excited to join. There was definitely a need for an event like this. I used to be the events coordinator at A Different Light bookstore, which originally partnered with Magnet to do this book club so I had met a lot of queer authors over the years. Justin Torres I met at the Lambda Literary writer’s retreat.

Why is this good for the Castro community?

Because we won’t ever be taken seriously if we embrace being a community of day-drinking, materialistic illiterates.

BOY TOYS TALK BACK: What are some queer-themed books that would make for lively discussion in a book club setting?

E-motional: Waiting Patiently to Catch You

In a new series, I will be posting inspirational love messages sent through mobile devices, e-mail or other instant online correspondence. Confessions 2.0. if you will. A refreshing and far more romantic alternative to the bombardment of crude booty calls, sexts and cyber one-line pick-ups that seem to be the norm nowadays.

Comment if you have an image that you’d like to add to E-motional. And let’s hear it for modern romance!

Video: ‘Cross the Bridge Once You Get There’

Special anniversary gift: a multimedia reading of the first post ever on Confessions of a Boy Toy, “Cross the Bridge Once You Get There,” originally published on Valentine’s Day 2009.

Interview: Do We Need Social Networks Just for Gay Men?

Following the closure of DList (the gay MySpace) and the subsequent launch of Ragap (a gay Argentinian alternative to Twitter), I was approached by Tom Avendaño of El Pais (Madrid’s daily newspaper) to comment on whether there’s a need to have social networks specifically designed for gay men. You can read the Spanish article here, and right below you can read the entire unedited interview in English.

Is it fair to say that gays invented social networks? Were hook-up sites like Gaydar the basis for current mainstream social networks?
I wouldn’t say gays created social networks. I think every niche group and minority has the need to meet like-minded individuals. For Facebook it started with college students. Gay men did make a great community out of the early AOL M4M chatrooms that eventually evolved into the full-blown media company, PlanetOut (once owner of The Advocate and Gay.com).

Argentina has just created a Twitter for gays. Thoughts?
There already is a Twitter for gays. It’s called Twitter. What’s great about social networks is that you can find your village and make it as small or big as possible. I don’t see the sense to segregate our communities to other more specific networks, unless you are still closeted.

What is it about social networks that attracts the gay community?
Beyond the need to get laid with sites like Manhunt and Grindr, gay men are immediately attracted to new online social networks like Instagram out of need to connect with other gay men. Not everyone lives in San Francisco or Madrid. And for the eye candy, of course.

Why do you think the heterosexual demographic never embraced social networking?
The heterosexual community has embraced social networking and oftentimes for similar reasons. There are plenty of scandalously-clad straight girls on Twitter and insecure, self-deprecating straight guys on Tumblr.

What are the main social networks for gays now that DList’s shutdown?
The best gay-specific social network out there right now is GayCities.com. You can find gay hotspots in over 200 cities all over the world and the locals who frequent them. It’s great for jet-setters looking for that insider experience. I like it because It’s a very useful service. Even though gays have hit the mainstream with Facebook and Twitter there are still experiences and events that are catered specifically to gays and lesbians. And without them, how vibrant would gay life be? Like watching the Superbowl without Madonna at half-time. I have also been playing with Thingbox out of the UK, it’s probably the closest to DList but with a better design and way more user-friendly.

What have been the main social networks for gays throughout history?
Throughout the decades, younger gays have adopted new networks of their own. From Manhunt to Grindr, from Gay.com to GayCities.com, from Facebook to Path, from Tumblr to Instagram. I definitely see a big shift towards mobile apps.

BOY TOYS TALK BACK: Are you conducting research or writing an article about technology, social media and the gay community? Get in touch with me. I give good sound bites.

Portofino Life

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Days in Portofino photoshoot by Peter Lindbergh.

Relationships Are Not Static Ideals; They Are Always Works in Progress

To the extent that people have an ideal partner and an ideal relationship in their head, they are setting themselves up for disaster, says family expert Michelle Givertz, assistant professor of communication studies at California State University, Chico. Relationship identities are negotiated between two individuals. Relationships are not static ideals; they are always works in progress.

To enter a relationship with an idea of what it should look like or how it should evolve is too controlling, she contends. It takes two people to make a relationship. One person doesn’t get to decide what it should be. And to the extent that he or she does, the other partner is not going to be happy.

“People can spend their lives trying to make a relationship into something it isn’t, based on an idealized vision of what should be, not what is,” she says.

– “Are You with the Right Mate?” [Psychology Today]

When I first moved to San Francisco, I had three goals I wanted to accomplish by the end of the year. Find a writing job, find an apartment near Market Street and find a boyfriend. I got all three. But the night of New Year’s Eve I broke up with my boyfriend. We got back together a week later, and then a month after that he dumped me so that he could start dating a friend of mine. Needless to say, that was a total bust.

Finding a job and an apartment is a self-serving individual need. A relationship, however, takes two. To an extent we can control what we do and where we go in life, but you can’t control your boyfriend and try to carve him into the ideal relationship you have envisioned for yourself.

Personality traits are set in stone but working together with one’s partner, habits can be adapted, compromises can be made. After all, no one’s perfect. You have to embrace each other’s strengths and accept the flaws, determine if the positives outweighs the negatives and make a decision.

As for me? Being dumped that time wasn’t all that bad. In the end, I realized that I’d rather be alone on New Year’s Eve than get a kiss that didn’t mean anything.

Disillusionment becomes an engine for growth because it forces us to discover our needs. Knowing oneself, recognizing one’s needs, and speaking up for them in a relationship are often acts of bravery, says New York psychotherapist Ken Page. Most of us are guarded about our needs, because they are typically our areas of greatest sensitivity and vulnerability.

“You have to discover—and be able to share—what touches you and moves you the most,” he observes. “But first, of course, you have to accept that in yourself.”

BOY TOYS TALK BACK: How do you know if a guy is right for you? When early signs are not so positive, do cut your losses and leave or stick around and try to make it work?