Love Retrospective

It is universally acknowledged that a boy toy in possession of a good fortune must be in want of true love.

And he will look in all the wrong places before he finds it…

Bridge Builder tried to get me to cross to the other side. But in matters of the heart, pushing and shoving only results in a halt. Even though we might be uncertain as to what we want exactly… it’s always helpful to pinpoint what we do not want. And I knew that this relationship was going nowhere.

“Pretty soon, his calls and e-mails turn into a form of suffocation—a commitment I’m not ready to make. Maybe because he is 28 and I’m 21 or maybe because he has built a life in Chicago and I still want to go to New York. Or maybe because I enjoy being on my own. Or maybe because I know that he isn’t the bridge that is going to get me to the other side. Not now, anyway.”

So I began casually dating. I’m sort of traditional, so getting hammered and making out with strangers on the dance floor was how I met most of my Chicago paramours at this time. That’s how I met Canadian Stallion, DJ Dreamboat and Straight Guy. And even though we all fantasize about meeting that hook-up that hangs on to our heart, one-night stands rarely commit into the morning after.

“For one minute I let myself get caught up in the moment: the good boy with the lazy smile making breakfast while watching the morning news. A moment he would never recognize, a moment I’m ready to own.”

The carefree fooling around continued when I went to study abroad in Madrid for six months. My next-door neighbor, Chico Rock, impressed me immediately with his Euro-cool and in-the-know approach. But he turned out not to be as solid as I had hoped.

“I open my hand and see that he’s given me two pills. I take one and hand it over to Chico Rock, but he shakes his hands and says, ‘They’re all yours.’”

I took a little detour to Paris for a week and found myself in trouble once again – having to sneak into my flight back after almost getting caught in a ménage á trois.

And then – back to the states. This time, New York City after landing an internship with a magazine. The city was a whirlwind. I went out almost every night and met the most fascinating, life-driven individuals: polysexual party monsters, Wall Street trophy husbands and beautiful boys I should have had the courage to gone up to introduce myself.

“But if we genuinely feel the sparks and believe that the scruffy guy to our right is right, right now, then what’s stopping us from going for it, not like a mindless missile but like on a mission? The worse that can happen is old and rusted rejection. But we’re all big boys here. We can deal.”

New York was not all frisky, no strings attached. I began hooking up with my roommate, Sunny D, and getting dangerously close in our convenient, yet comforting relationship. He could see right through me, but it took him being jealous of a certain Toy Soldier to show it.

“‘So is that really what you think of me?’ I ask as I begin to walk back towards him. ‘That I just use guys? They’re totally disposable to me? Is that what I thought of you?’ The last question is particularly poignant because I’d recently expressed my feelings for him. He’s silent, so I continue. ‘What the hell was that all about? You have a boyfriend, remember?! So just… leave me alone and let me fuck whomever I want. Let me be the giant slut you think I am!’ I drunkenly shout on Avenue A. For some reason, no one thinks it’s weird.”

After all the conflict, I let the dust settled, Sunny D went home and I moved to a new apartment on the Lower East Side. And when I least expected it, I found my superhero… ironically, right before we were both about to jet to somewhere else. He went to California, and I went back to college in Chicago.

My Summer of Love ended, and after the roller coaster ride that was Europe and New York, I started feeling displaced, belonging to nowhere and to no one. I began to crave security, no more casual affairs, but a genuine connection. But that got me in even more of a predicament, because things are rarely what they seem. Denim Boy and Mr. Danger proved that.

“And I was so certain that this real boy would be different. He would care and be kind and not play games, not lead me on and resort to me whenever he wanted, like some plaything that would be available to him whenever he wished. What happened to the good old days when a boy kissed you because he meant it, not to just show that he could?”

But my search was not all a bunch of disillusions. For even when things appeared the grayest, I met a boy that would brighten up my world in multicolor.

After graduation, I moved to San Francisco and realized that my high school crush, Peter Pan, hadn’t grown up at all while I was gone. Chico Boricuo taught me more about myself in one night in a hotel room on Valencia. And I got caught in yet another bizarre love triangle with a Potential Player and an All-American Reject.

But after everything I’ve gone through, I still refuse to give up. No matter how many terrible first dates, misunderstood text messages and heartbreak – I still full-heartedly believe there’s a superhero out there for all of us. Not to rescue us but to fly high along with us. And we shouldn’t settle for anything less that will keep us grounded.

Now that I’m done writing about toy love, I’m focusing all my creative energy to my new bi-weekly column for EDGE. HomoTech ponders the impact of technology on gay lifestyle. Here’s my piece about why I decided to stop writing this blog. I’ve also re-launched my Tumblr, with a new focus on comic book superhero worship.

Thanks for flying along with me,

Oscar

(photo taken in my college dorm, circa 2008)

Todo Acaba Como Empieza

It’s almost 3 a.m. and this late at night (this early morning) I have to take a cab if I want to go back to Chueca. I have no choice: I gave my keys to Chico Rock assuming we’d be coming home together. After all, we sleep a mere balcony hop away.

It’s pouring hard in Madrid, as if the city needs cleansing. The streets of Chueca are empty by the time I get there. The rain has scared off all the little animals that would otherwise be prowling up and down the streets. I’ve never seen Madrid this empty, this cold, this wet. Rick’s is still open of course, so I walk in looking around to see if I can find Rock, or traces that he has been here recently, but nothing.

I order a tequila Squirt and sit by the bar. I’ve come to learn that when looking for someone – friends at a bar, a boy to take home, a future husband, my absent father – it’s better to stay still rather than shoot off aimlessly into the darkness. About twenty minutes later, a man wearing a leather jacket and tight jeans slides to the seat next to me, smiles at me and asks me what I’m drinking. I let him buy me another tequila Squirt. It’s not too late to make friends, and there’s something wildly attractive about his stubble and the thin brushes of silver caressing his buzz cut hair.

We make small talk, I tell him about my time in Madrid, how I’m looking for my next door neighbor with my keys. He tells me about his job, accounting, how he lived in Germany for two years and how he wished he had met me earlier on my trip…

+++

I made my mother cry on her wedding day. It was completely unintentional, like most actions of a nine year-old tend to be. I had been crying that day too, for some reason too hard to decipher fourteen years later. I guess, I just wanted to see her one last time before the ceremony in the chapel was about to commence.

I remember one of my younger aunts escorted me, tears and all, to the room where my mom was applying last-minute make-up and taking control of her nerves. My mother saw me amidst distress, opened her arms, I ran to her, clinching to her satin gown. And I began to cry harder. I gasped for air repeatedly, wiping my tears and unable to complete my thoughts, let alone speak.

The church bells rang, and the maid of honor knocked on the door. “One second!” My mom said wiping my tears and then her own. She fixed my hair and then her own, and I finally managed to say, “They said that I don’t have a father.”

“Don’t ever let anyone tell you that!” She responded immediately and with maternal anger I had never seen before.

“But I don’t have a father,” I said not yet consoled.

“Of course you do,” she said now softly and with a smile. She was a beautiful bride. “Your father is standing right in front of you.” I stood back and smiled. I didn’t want to get any more tears on her dress.

+++

I excuse myself from the conversation I’m having with the handsome stranger at the bar and head to the restroom. I take the last urinal and unzip my pants. The small restroom smells like urine, beer and cologne.

As I start fondling my boxers trying to find the opening, I notice through the mirror the stranger walking in and taking the stall next to me. We are alone. He begins whistling, but I just brush him off. I can sense that he’s looking straight at me, and I keep staring straight in front of me at the light blue wall graffiti’ed with telephone numbers scribbled in black sharpie. I feel his hand grab the back of my neck, so I rush to finish and zip my pants back up. “Don’t be scared, daddy’s here,” he whispers, and my Spidey senses shoot off tingles down my spine. I wriggle out of his grasp, step back and turn to him – give him this angry, disapproving look. He’s pathetic.

But rejection is always hard to take face on. The stranger’s face gets flushed with aggression, and he pushes me with enough force that I stumble back into the stall behind me, my chest and my back harden with the pain. I push him to the side, trying to get him out of my way. He punches my face, and I taste blood, like liquid copper, trickling down my throat.

A flamboyant skinny blond boy storms in to the restroom, confused as to what he has just encountered. The stranger rushes out, and I go to the mirror to fix my hair. I’m bleeding out my nose, and I clench my fists because I don’t want to cry.

+++

My mother’s wedding was not a big spectacle by any means. In fact, I remember her making it clear that she wanted something intimate. Because when it comes to love, no show can ever be big enough to ever encapsulate what’s happening internally. After my tears dried up, I took my seat in the front row and looked around. All the people my mother had ever met were there, my old family and my new family, meeting and smiling, so proud of the union. They were happy. And I was happy too.

My mother and my stepfather stood together, said their vows and kissed. And they have been happily married ever since.

And I remember feeling like my heart was going to explode. As a child, I enjoyed projecting myself into the future. And that day, I sat and gazed at the beauty of it all and thought, “that’s what I want.”

+++

Outside the restroom, the party at Rick’s is still going strong. Bloody and teary, I walk out and see Chico Rock making out with some guy on the crowded dancefloor. I walk up to him, unconcerned with interrupting, and ask him for my keys.

“Oye tio, y que te paso? (Hey man, what happened to you?)” He asks. But I don’t answer, I ask for my keys again. He reaches in his pocket and hands me my keys.

“Estas bien? (Are you ok?)” He asks, and now I can tell he’s worried. I reach out and cup his smooth jaw with my hand.

“Estare bien. (I’ll be fine.)” I say and force a smile.

I leave the bar and walk to the nearest metro station. It’s still raining, not has hard, but I don’t care. I stand outside for fifteen minutes, waiting for the trains to start running. It’s a brand new day, but I still feel like last night. I lift my head and let the rain splash on my face and drain down my body; I need the cleansing.

Color Blast

There’s a feeling you get – a feeling that flushes from your heart to your head, and eventually down to your lower body. The feeling overtakes you and makes you want to stomp. Makes you want to look in the mirror and say, “you’re the one.” That’s the feeling you get when you’re about to see that boy.

Boy in Color, as you might recall, is my college crush. A crush that began at a party, like any other party, but it became so much more.

So here you are, getting ready in your room. About to see him one last time before graduation, before life, eventually, gets in the way, in the way of what you feel might be real. You blast on Santigold. A song that you love. A song that you know he loves too. It takes balls to go up to a guy, I admit. But it takes a full-beating heart to go up to the guy that takes your breath away, almost without trying.

He has tried. You’ve noticed, and what at first seemed like a delusion, turns out to be… sparks. He feels it as strongly as you do, you’re sure. How else can you explain this feeling? And so, you’ve resolved that, with this knowledge, you’re going to blast your feelings just as loud as the music in your room – all packed up in boxes containing remnants of a past life, a college boy eager to find his path.

Nothing sets the heart beating faster than a ticking clock. With mere hours left before college comes and goes, it’s either act or let go.

You walk into the dive bar in downtown Chicago. It smells, but it’s what your senior class decided to make the final stop. Immediately – because we all know you’re your confident veneer shields a sensitive and insecure soul inside – you dash to your friends, the girls and boys that you’ve accepted, after many classes and many more drinks, “get you” – as incomprehensible and complex and superficial and extreme and perfectly broken that you are.

And because they get you, they rally you on. They know that you’re ready to talk to Boy in Color. But this talk is unlike any other you’ve had before. This talk is about context and consequence. You want to let him know how you feel.

Boy in Color is hanging on to his friends, the girls and boys that “get him.” So after taking a big gulp of your well drink, gin and tonic perhaps, you walk over by the jukebox to try to infiltrate his group, so that maybe you can be one of the boys that “gets him” too. You sense the air between the two of you thickens as you walk closer, as if a barrier you must break before finally getting to him. But you don’t stop. You keep walking.

In the midst of drunken bodies, you see him notice you. Flashing a quick smile that brightens up his face, Boy in Color puts down his drink and dashes to meet you. He’s excited to see you, and you break the barrier with a wholehearted hug.

“I thought you weren’t coming,” he says loudly over the music.

“Yeah, I had lots of packing to do, but I couldn’t miss this,” you reply signaling to the sea of familiar faces flooding the bar, ordering drinks, laughing in

unison, former roommates and former flings, classmates and best friends, excited to be finally done with college and scared that it’s all over.

“So when are you leaving?” You ask to keep the conversation going.

“Well, I finished moving out of my apartment earlier this week. Right now, I’m staying with a friend downtown for a few days.”

“Do you have any plans for what you’re doing after that?”

“I’m going home for, like, a month. Then it’s off to Buenos Aires for who-knows-how-long. That’s as much of a plan as I’ve got,” Boy in Color says with a smirk. “How about you? Back to New York City?”

“No… not yet. I think I’m moving to San Francisco. I mean, it’s not like I have a job there, or anywhere for that matter.”

“Man, I’d love to move to San Francisco.”

You take a sip from your gin and tonic and a picture flashes in your head of you and him living in San Francisco, together. You turn around and take another look at the crowd. A face splashes to the surface, one that you don’t recognize. This glowing face belongs to a tall guy with spiky, almost plastic, dark blond hair. He spots Boy in Color, and smiles with his crooked teeth. As he approaches, Boy in Color puts his arm around your shoulder and leans in to whisper, “Oh, there’s the friend I’m staying with.”

“Did he go to school with us?”

“No. He’s older; lives around here. I met him a couple of months ago.” Then he stalls, not sure if he wants to share this last part: “I guess he thinks we’re seeing each other.”

“What makes him think that?”

But before Boy in Color can answer, Crooked Smile shoves himself onto him to give him a hug. He stands back and looks at you as if you were some alien from outer space. Right after Boy in Color introduces you, you make an excuse and head towards the restroom. Never a good idea to come clean to your crush while his part-time lover imposes in with his harsh hugs, infiltrating your sparks with his stinging cologne.

About an hour later, you notice that Crooked Smile has not left his side. And all you want is a minute alone, a minute to clear the air so that you can go to San Francisco and he can go to Buenos Aires and nothing was left unsaid. So you resort to your old trusted pal – your pack of Parliaments. You walk back to Boy in Color and nudge his arm.

“Smoke?” You ask inviting him out with you in the most friendly of forms.

“I quit smoking.”

“Oh, come on! One cigarette?” You are tempted to add a “For old time’s sake,” but stop yourself out of fear of sounding like a total sap.

Boy in Color takes a second and then smiles and walks towards you, grabbing your pack and taking a cigarette. The patio is mostly empty, and you can’t picture a better opportunity. Enough small talk, you take the plunge.

“So why are you staying with that guy?”

“You think he sucks?”

“You don’t?”

“You’re right. He does suck. But I invited him here, I have to stay with him.”

“You don’t have stay with him,” you say, almost imploring. You look directly into his eyes and repeat it. “Don’t stay with him,” you go on, “stay with me. Tonight.” And you don’t have to say anything else. Whatever he might have suspected of a mutual attraction, his eyes and your words have made it apparent. He keeps looking at you, taking his time before saying another word. And at this point, his response is almost inconsequential. It feels so good to let the air between you dissolve so smoothly. Tonight was about you letting him know and letting him go.

Several people stumble out and join you on the patio. Friends of friends surround you and you lose the intimacy. But after such a loaded conversation, you appreciate the frivolity. Boy in Color turns to them and shushes them down. Apparently, he has something to declare to the group. You’re smiling and smoking and happy.

“I just want to say… what a great guy Oscar is.” Yep, he’s talking about you. “I hate that college is over, if only because I won’t get to hang out with you more often.” You start to blush. “And I want you to know,” now he’s looking at you, “that no matter how far away I am, you can always count on me for anything. And I mean that… anything.”

Your drunken friends cheer him on, and the outdoor party moves back in to order another round of drinks.

Now the night is coming to a close. You grab your jacket from the pile that’s accumulated on one of the tables and make your way to say your goodbyes. Boy in Color notices that you’re getting ready to go. He closes his left eye and points at you as if aiming a gun. You walk over and give him a hug, gentler than when you first saw him earlier that night but just as warm.

“I’ll see you again?” you ask in a soft whisper while he’s still holding on to you.

And with his signature smirk, he replies: “In living color.”

Change Clothes

Right as I finish packing my eye contact solution in my overnight bag, my phone rings, notifying that my ride is here. I throw my bag over my shoulder, turn off the lights in my bedroom and skip down the stairs and out the front door.

Waiting outside is the silver Mustang, roaring in the breezy evening. I open the door and get comfortable in the passenger seat I’ve sat in several times before. All-American Reject flashes a smile as I lean in to peck him on the corner of his lower lip.

“Ready?” he asks. I nod while rolling down my window. All-American Reject turns right on Market and we begin heading back his place in the East Bay.

What started as a one-night stand has grown into something more. I guess the appropriate term would be, “fuck buddies” but even that is more serious than anything I ever expected this to turn into, considering our first night together was completely impulsive and came entirely out of spite.

If you’ve forgotten All-American Reject is the boy who ratted out his friend, Potential Player, as a Total Player. So then I, in turn, gave in to his advances.

Driving through the Bay Bridge, I always wonder what would happen if something where to go “snap!” All the cars and vans and motorcycles heading into the city would ram right into the traffic trying to leave. Head on collisions on all lanes, the stuff Jerry Bruckheimer’s dreams are made of.

AAR grabs my hands, distracting me from envisioning a disaster, and I wonder, “Do fuck buddies hold hands?”

He had been asking me over to come check out his place ever since we got into a routine of him texting me every night and me replying every time. Judging from his street brat attitude and his Ed Hardy wardrobe, I expected his one-bedroom to be a total mess.

But as he lets me in through the front door, I realize that I shouldn’t have judged a boy by his TK. His apartment is clean, immaculate aside from the oversized gym bag lying in a corner of his well-lit restroom. And in the living room, tiny candles rest on forest green fixtures hanging from the sand-colored walls.

The tour of his place ends in his bedroom. The queen-sized bed is made, and there are no signs of Ed Hardy anywhere. I’m pleasantly surprised by the condition of his apartment, and I wonder, “Do guys clean up their place for a fuck buddy?”

I turn around and fall into AAR’s big arms. As I kiss his neck, I drag his built body closer to the edge of the bed. And we fall together. I love feeling all his weight on me, just enough pressure keeping me in place on his cool, clean bed.

As the temperature rises, he gets up and takes a quick restroom trip before the action begins. As he dashes out of bed, I ask him, “Hey, can I borrow a pair of shorts?”

“Sure, in the closet,” he answers and steps outside.

I walk up to his closet and slide open the mirrored walls. Even though it’s pretty dark, I can still recognize him. There he is, Ed Hardy is all his studded glory: ripped jeans, tattooed shirts, flamed hats, and I’ve made up my mind.

I’ve always considered a big advantage of being involved in even a semi-serious same-sex relationship the fact that you can borrow each other’s clothing, thus doubling your wardrobe. So this discovery seems to reinforce the fact that AAR and I aren’t going very far. But at this point, we don’t have to go any further than the confines of his bedroom. Our steamy time together works because neither of us care to wipe away the mirrors reflecting the truth.

He comes back into the room, and I realize that AAR’s wardrobe is not so much a deal breaker when we both like to spend most of our time with our clothes off.

The next morning, I notice that I have a text from the previous night. It’s Potential Player, informing me that he’s coming back into town.

The last time I saw Potential Player, he had borrowed a shirt from my closet, and despite AAR’s allegations that he was a lying, manipulative scoundrel… I still want to see him. I want my shirt back.

“Who is that?” AAR asks after catching the look on my face.

“Eh, no one,” I lie to myself, thinking these two boys are like the traffic on the Bay Bridge, on separate levels, going opposite directions, and never bound to collide head on.

Reality Bites

Denim Boy opens up the door to his apartment wearing only his light blue pajama pants. I walk in and immediately start kissing him, touching him up and down, my black leather gloves caressing his skin. I push him up against the wall and his back slams it hard, making the whole apartment shake a little.

“You’re cold,” he says almost whining. It’s mid-December in Chicago. He takes my shoulders and pushes me back gently, and then walks over to close his front door. Meanwhile, I walk to his living room and throw my coat on his leather couch.

“Alright, now I’m ready,” he says and walks up to me expecting me to jump him again. I stand there, facing him with a dubious look. I’m teasing him. Not giving in and doing what I so obviously want to do, pretending like I have no idea what he expects from me. After a few seconds, he gives him and starts kissing me. He wants it too.

I unbutton my long-sleeved shirt, and he pulls me down onto his black leather couch. He lies down, and I get on top of him, putting my hands on the armrest to support my upper body as he writhes below me. His pants were thin, and I could feel his crotch getting hard.

“You have great sexual energy!” he says when we stop for a bit to catch our breath. Feeling like a lion, I drag him up and then lead him to his bedroom. I’m ready to roar.

The following week, I take a flight back to California for winter break. I don’t expect to keep much in touch with Denim Boy, out of sight, out of mind. And I think that perhaps he feels the same way. We’re nothing official, just casual. I like him, but I’m not one to push (unless it’s physically and up against a wall). Besides, I know for sure that I’m going to see him again after I return to continue what we had gotten into.

But Denim Boy texts me every single day while I’m away. Little casual comments turn into full-blown conversations, and before I know it I’m falling asleep clutching my phone and waking up to a ridiculous phone bill. I never thought I would be the kind of boy to have to get an unlimited texting plan.

“I just checked our signs on Wikipedia,” reads one of his texts. “We share a planet!” Towards the end of my stay in California, every time my phone vibrates, I can feel it all the way deep in my heart, and I start getting really excited to see him again.

My phone vibrates one more time while I’m hanging out with a high school friend and her boyfriend at Angels & Kings. It’s Denim Boy. I text him that I’m in the area, and he invites me over.

My heart is bursting with anticipation. But when the door of his apartment opens up, instead of Denim Boy standing there, half naked with his body for me to hold close, I see… some other boy.

“Hey,” Some Other Boy says without introducing himself or letting me know what the hell he is doing here. Confused, I walk in and then find my boy sitting on the couch.

“Hey! How was your trip?” Denim Boy asks right before coming up to give me a hug.

“It was fine…” I say with a tone that hints at my confusion, as if asking, “Am I intruding?” Denim Boy then realizes and introduces me to Some Other Boy, who is wearing a Yale sweatshirt. So to make small talk, I ask, “Oh do you go to Yale?”

“Oh no, my friend gave it to me…” Some Other Boy says.

Wow, why would he do that? Why would anyone wear a collegiate shirt of a school they didn’t go to? So that they have to explain themselves, cause you know people will ask, that they didn’t go there?

“Of course, you don’t go to Yale,” is what I want to say. But I hold back.

Half an hour of awkward superficial conversations later, I’m getting impatient. I catch Denim Boy while he’s getting a glass of water and ask if maybe we can take the after party back to his room—just the two of us.

“Oh… tonight’s not a good day, we’re kind of having my friend sleep over,” he says but I don’t believe sleeping will be the only thing they’ll be doing tonight.

“Oh… so you guys are getting ready to go to bed?”

“Yeah… kinda.”

“And I’m the only person that won’t be spending the night.”

“Not tonight.”

“So I should be getting out of here then.”

“We’ll hang out some other time, I promise,” Denim Boy says as a sort of consolation prize as I’m getting my jacket and ready to leave.

“Actually, no. We won’t. This was kind of the last time.”

Sitting on the El back to campus, I keep going through the moments in my head over and over again. We had a great time in bed, and when we hung out, and he kept making contact while I was gone. Was he bored? Was I just an immediate distraction, and now that he had found this Yale poser, he’s done with me? Squeezed every drop of fun out of me, or so he thinks. And why did he keep texting me, and pretending like he was into me? I would’ve been fine had he walked away after our casual hook-up. I would have scratched him from my boy bank and not have kept investing in what I thought would be a profitable return.

And I was so certain that this real boy would be different. He would care and be kind and not play games, not lead me on and resort to me whenever he wanted, like some plaything that would be available to him whenever he wished. What happened to the good old days when a boy kissed you because he meant it, not to just show that he could?

And then I keep thinking how my most intense flames tend to fade suddenly. What is wrong with me? And it’s happened with both the eccentric, party boys and with the real, down-to-earth boys too. Guys just want to make out with me, and hook up with me and take me home. But when it comes to starting something serious, I fall short. I’m a one-night thing and then expire.

I feel like a toy. So disposable.