It is universally acknowledged that a boy toy in possession of a good fortune must be in want of true love.
And he will look in all the wrong places before he finds it…
Bridge Builder tried to get me to cross to the other side. But in matters of the heart, pushing and shoving only results in a halt. Even though we might be uncertain as to what we want exactly… it’s always helpful to pinpoint what we do not want. And I knew that this relationship was going nowhere.
“Pretty soon, his calls and e-mails turn into a form of suffocation—a commitment I’m not ready to make. Maybe because he is 28 and I’m 21 or maybe because he has built a life in Chicago and I still want to go to New York. Or maybe because I enjoy being on my own. Or maybe because I know that he isn’t the bridge that is going to get me to the other side. Not now, anyway.”
So I began casually dating. I’m sort of traditional, so getting hammered and making out with strangers on the dance floor was how I met most of my Chicago paramours at this time. That’s how I met Canadian Stallion, DJ Dreamboat and Straight Guy. And even though we all fantasize about meeting that hook-up that hangs on to our heart, one-night stands rarely commit into the morning after.
“For one minute I let myself get caught up in the moment: the good boy with the lazy smile making breakfast while watching the morning news. A moment he would never recognize, a moment I’m ready to own.”
The carefree fooling around continued when I went to study abroad in Madrid for six months. My next-door neighbor, Chico Rock, impressed me immediately with his Euro-cool and in-the-know approach. But he turned out not to be as solid as I had hoped.
“I open my hand and see that he’s given me two pills. I take one and hand it over to Chico Rock, but he shakes his hands and says, ‘They’re all yours.’”
I took a little detour to Paris for a week and found myself in trouble once again – having to sneak into my flight back after almost getting caught in a ménage á trois.
And then – back to the states. This time, New York City after landing an internship with a magazine. The city was a whirlwind. I went out almost every night and met the most fascinating, life-driven individuals: polysexual party monsters, Wall Street trophy husbands and beautiful boys I should have had the courage to gone up to introduce myself.
“But if we genuinely feel the sparks and believe that the scruffy guy to our right is right, right now, then what’s stopping us from going for it, not like a mindless missile but like on a mission? The worse that can happen is old and rusted rejection. But we’re all big boys here. We can deal.”
New York was not all frisky, no strings attached. I began hooking up with my roommate, Sunny D, and getting dangerously close in our convenient, yet comforting relationship. He could see right through me, but it took him being jealous of a certain Toy Soldier to show it.
“‘So is that really what you think of me?’ I ask as I begin to walk back towards him. ‘That I just use guys? They’re totally disposable to me? Is that what I thought of you?’ The last question is particularly poignant because I’d recently expressed my feelings for him. He’s silent, so I continue. ‘What the hell was that all about? You have a boyfriend, remember?! So just… leave me alone and let me fuck whomever I want. Let me be the giant slut you think I am!’ I drunkenly shout on Avenue A. For some reason, no one thinks it’s weird.”
After all the conflict, I let the dust settled, Sunny D went home and I moved to a new apartment on the Lower East Side. And when I least expected it, I found my superhero… ironically, right before we were both about to jet to somewhere else. He went to California, and I went back to college in Chicago.
My Summer of Love ended, and after the roller coaster ride that was Europe and New York, I started feeling displaced, belonging to nowhere and to no one. I began to crave security, no more casual affairs, but a genuine connection. But that got me in even more of a predicament, because things are rarely what they seem. Denim Boy and Mr. Danger proved that.
“And I was so certain that this real boy would be different. He would care and be kind and not play games, not lead me on and resort to me whenever he wanted, like some plaything that would be available to him whenever he wished. What happened to the good old days when a boy kissed you because he meant it, not to just show that he could?”
But my search was not all a bunch of disillusions. For even when things appeared the grayest, I met a boy that would brighten up my world in multicolor.
After graduation, I moved to San Francisco and realized that my high school crush, Peter Pan, hadn’t grown up at all while I was gone. Chico Boricuo taught me more about myself in one night in a hotel room on Valencia. And I got caught in yet another bizarre love triangle with a Potential Player and an All-American Reject.
But after everything I’ve gone through, I still refuse to give up. No matter how many terrible first dates, misunderstood text messages and heartbreak – I still full-heartedly believe there’s a superhero out there for all of us. Not to rescue us but to fly high along with us. And we shouldn’t settle for anything less that will keep us grounded.
Now that I’m done writing about toy love, I’m focusing all my creative energy to my new bi-weekly column for EDGE. HomoTech ponders the impact of technology on gay lifestyle. Here’s my piece about why I decided to stop writing this blog. I’ve also re-launched my Tumblr, with a new focus on comic book superhero worship.
Thanks for flying along with me,
(photo taken in my college dorm, circa 2008)