Relationships Are Not Static Ideals; They Are Always Works in Progress

To the extent that people have an ideal partner and an ideal relationship in their head, they are setting themselves up for disaster, says family expert Michelle Givertz, assistant professor of communication studies at California State University, Chico. Relationship identities are negotiated between two individuals. Relationships are not static ideals; they are always works in progress.

To enter a relationship with an idea of what it should look like or how it should evolve is too controlling, she contends. It takes two people to make a relationship. One person doesn’t get to decide what it should be. And to the extent that he or she does, the other partner is not going to be happy.

“People can spend their lives trying to make a relationship into something it isn’t, based on an idealized vision of what should be, not what is,” she says.

– “Are You with the Right Mate?” [Psychology Today]

When I first moved to San Francisco, I had three goals I wanted to accomplish by the end of the year. Find a writing job, find an apartment near Market Street and find a boyfriend. I got all three. But the night of New Year’s Eve I broke up with my boyfriend. We got back together a week later, and then a month after that he dumped me so that he could start dating a friend of mine. Needless to say, that was a total bust.

Finding a job and an apartment is a self-serving individual need. A relationship, however, takes two. To an extent we can control what we do and where we go in life, but you can’t control your boyfriend and try to carve him into the ideal relationship you have envisioned for yourself.

Personality traits are set in stone but working together with one’s partner, habits can be adapted, compromises can be made. After all, no one’s perfect. You have to embrace each other’s strengths and accept the flaws, determine if the positives outweighs the negatives and make a decision.

As for me? Being dumped that time wasn’t all that bad. In the end, I realized that I’d rather be alone on New Year’s Eve than get a kiss that didn’t mean anything.

Disillusionment becomes an engine for growth because it forces us to discover our needs. Knowing oneself, recognizing one’s needs, and speaking up for them in a relationship are often acts of bravery, says New York psychotherapist Ken Page. Most of us are guarded about our needs, because they are typically our areas of greatest sensitivity and vulnerability.

“You have to discover—and be able to share—what touches you and moves you the most,” he observes. “But first, of course, you have to accept that in yourself.”

BOY TOYS TALK BACK: How do you know if a guy is right for you? When early signs are not so positive, do cut your losses and leave or stick around and try to make it work?

The Bridge Falls Down

I’m already late for my internship. Again. I’m always late. And I thought that by staying with him downtown I would be able to make it on time. But I’m never on time.

The walls of his apartment are decorated with black and white photographs of bridges. The Brooklyn Bridge. The London Bridge. The Golden Gate Bridge. One night I sat in his living room for a whole hour, drinking red wine, as he showed me photos of his trip to New York. He went on one of those helicopters that fly around the city just so that he could get a bird’s eye view of the towering bridges. He once told me that if he could do anything in the world, he would build bridges.

I wait ’til the morning to tell him that it isn’t working.

Bridge Builder is successfully settled in Chicago and knows exactly what he wants next. And I’m an impulsive college guy who is never on time. I didn’t expect our relationship to endure past the point of casual dating. But after the concert at the House of Blues and the expensive steak dinner and the talk of going to his parents’ lakehouse in Michigan, I got the sense that he wanted more from me. Pretty soon, his calls and e-mails turn into a form of suffocation—a commitment I’m not ready to make. Maybe because he is 28 and I’m 21 or maybe because he has built a life in Chicago and I still want to go to New York.

Or maybe because I enjoy being on my own. Or maybe because I know that he isn’t the bridge that is going to get me to the other side. Not now, anyway.

Before he steps into the shower, Bridge Builder lets me borrow a fresh pair of Hugo Boss briefs. During our last-time-sex session, I didn’t even have the chance to take my underwear off before some minor leaking occured. But that leaves me with a pair of soiled Calvin Klein boxers to get rid of before going in to work. Disponsing of the evidence. So I walk out onto his balcony and the crisp Chicago morning air takes all the late-night heat out of me. Out on his balcony on the 42nd floor of his apartment building on Lake Shore Drive overlooking the lake and the loop, I realize that the only bridges in Chicago connect only directly across the river. They don’t lead anywhere—just from one part of the city to another.

I hear him turn off the shower, so I lean over slightly on the railing and toss my boxers out the balcony. I watch them parachute down and land on satellite dish a few stories down, waving in the wind like a triumphant flag, surely disrupting the signal.

I walk back inside. Bridge Builder is standing in the living room wearing just a white towel around his waist and a few drops of water on his shoulders and chest. I kiss him goodbye and tell him that I’ll call him later. But he has this look. He knows I’m not going to call. I grab my jacket and walk out the front door.

There are places I still need to go. And I’m not going to get there by sitting here and staring at black and white photographs.